Love Languages

Love Language No. 2: Quality Time

Have you ever been out on a date with someone, and then a call comes in for him or her, and your date starts to talk as if you weren't there? There is the occasional slow glance towards you, and the immediate head snap back, looking away while they carry on their conversation.

You sit there trying to look non-chalant, smiling occasionally and wondering when the heck he/she is going to get off the phone. The most appropriate thing to do for non-urgent calls is to actually say "Hey, you know what, I'm out now with a friend, can I call you back later?" and then hang up.

We can be with someone but not be with someone. It is really important (though not always easy) to be present when you are out with someone.

And here we come to our second love language - quality time.

It is a curse of our modern day society that time is often the one thing that we don't have - work and other responsiblities take a lot out of us as people. Difficult decisions will need to be made regarding what's important to us, and how we allocate our time will reflect our priorities. What's the point of making all that money for your family if you sacrifice your family in the process?

Quality Talk


I remember one article in Reader's Digest once upon a time saying how we don't really listen nowadays - we're just waiting for our turn to talk. Being the loudmouth that I am sometimes, I am guilty of this too. You know the one - "Uh huh, mm hmm... Well, there was that time when I..." and then you launch into this whole story about something funny that happened to you.

The whole art of conversation - the non-verbal cues, the eye contact, the active listening - these are all important qualities that you need to develop over time.

I have a friend from high school who was one of the most intent listener ever. He will listen to what you have to say, and then pause, and you could see him actively processing what you say, and then come up with something relevant and comforting. It was always nice hanging out with him. And then I have my rapid-fire friends as well, who talk faster than they think, who I love all the same, but whom you developed less meaningful friendships with.

Grunt

As a guy, I understand completely sometimes the need to not talk. When you come home from a crappy day at work, and you slump into your chair, and then when your partner or family member asks you how your day was, your answer is "Urgh". Or "Okay" as your eyes glaze over.

Most men are just not natural talkers. We can't express ourselves because of the age old stereotype of the strong and silent kind. Talking equals complaining sometimes, and that, to us, is a sign of weakness. We keep it bottled up instead, taking it out on the drivers who overtake us on the road! (This one's for you, my honk-one-person-a-day friend!)

Gary Chapman recommends in his book that we make a list of the thing that happened to us in our day, and how we felt about it. It's like homework, isn't it? But soon, it will come more naturally, and make us more aware of how things affect us, but also give us grounds for more than an "Ugh".

Quality Activities

We are all diverse in our interests - some of us like the great outdoors, others prefer the great indoors, some like movies and plays while others will like concerts, mosh pits and their favourite artistes biting heads off bats.

The best thing about being in any relationship is the capacity for growth, absorbing each other's interests and learning things you would otherwise be oblivious to.

There is a whole list of recommendation at the end of Gary Chapman's chapter, but my favourite one is going on a long drive, which allows you to spend time talking to the other person.

Most of the memories and some of the most memorable conversations I've ever had were in a car, parked alongside a dark street, the engine running, the street lamps silent witnesses - or on a trip to somewhere far away or the local restaurant. Our family was always one for talking in cars.

So, is this your primary love language?