Love Languages

How To Save A Wife (and Other Relationships)

Can you remember the last time you felt loved? When you truly felt warmth on the inside, felt the sudden euphoria and genuine love for the world in return?

And do you know why it is that you can tell someone till you're blue in the face that you love them and yet they're still uninterested, or lavish them with gifts, and yet they still feel unloved?

There is a very interesting theory brought forward by Gary Chapman in his Love Languages series, a Christian author who surmises that different people have very different love languages.

These love languages apply across the board, and do not only pertain to romantic love - it will exist in all forms of interactions: family, friends, colleagues.

He has categorised it into five distinct groups: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and finally, Physical Touch. Each of us has a primary, or a main, love language which we respond to, and it would have been influenced by the examples of love taught to us growing up.

You can learn in time, however, to learn most people's love language if you observe close enough, and how to speak it.

Love Language No. 1: Words of Affirmation

Today we will start by looking at Words of Affirmation. This is one for the Asian kids, who often don't hear it enough!

This is your primary love language if you respond well to compliments, or validation for work well done. You will remember every nice thing that someone has said to you before, and you feel loved when praised.

You also react more negatively to criticism, like the old nursery rhyme "Sticks and stones will break your bones, and names will do the same too."

When we're talking about words of affirmation here, we're not talking about general niceties:

"That's gooood....."

"That was.... nice."

"You look nice toady." (especially the toady part. Stupid typo!)

or my Asian favourite "Yeah, not bad." or "Okay whaaaat..."

That's where the phrase 'damning with faint praise' comes from. A non-genuine, half-hearted comment can feel just as bad as being not complimented at all.

The way to a WoA person is to be specific with praise, ie:

"I'm really proud of the way you helped out with the dishes today. Sure, you shouldn't have washed the toaster while it was still plugged in, but honey, I am just glad you tried. Nurse!?! He's passing out again!"

"Is that a new haircut? I love the way the highlights in your hair just catch your eyes." (no, this is not a lyric taken from Lady In Red. No, not at all. *cough*)

"That dress does not make you look fat, honey. You make the dress look thin." (If you can't convince them, confuse them.)

But in all seriousness, be genuine when it comes to complimenting someone, and look out for something nice they've done to themselves or for you.

Simple phrases like "I trust you." "I love you." "You make me proud." can have a real changing effect on a WoA person when said with sincere belief. The words don't always need to be said. You can write it to them in a note or a letter.

The only thing that bugs me about this love language is that, being Asian, we just don't know how to take a compliment! This false humility/low self-esteem is almost programmed into us:-

"Noooo lah, hee hee hee...."

"Yeah, but I'm not as smart as you lah!"

or the Christianspeak favourite"...by the grace of God, lah (true, but still!)... "

I just wish sometimes we could just give a grateful smile, a nod of the head, a simple "Thanks!" and just accept the compliment.

So, is this your primary love language?