Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mr. Eastwood

Changeling/Gran Torino

Dear Mr. Eastwood sir,

You are 79 years old this year, sir. Many men your age would have gladly sat down and waited for death to come and take them, or are pottering around a golf course trying to while away their golden years.

You, on the other hand, dear sir, have the audacity to make two amazing films and then release them around the same time as if it were the simplest thing to do. And you have the balls to act and look cool in one of them as well.

I'm afraid this whole directing amazing movies in your twilight years thing is unacceptable, and puts us all younger men to shame. When we look at what you're doing with your time and abilities and compare it to the good that we do, frankly, we might as well kill ourselves.

Take Changeling for example. It starred the classically beautiful Ms. Jolie and brought us back to the late 1920s, a whole lifetime ago where women did not share the equality they have today, and where corrupt cops could do whatever they wanted to. You showed us how one woman's persistence, integrity and hope could shine in a time of darkness and pure evil. It was a very visceral film, dear sir, and I am ashamed to admit that I felt very involved as an audience member.

And then just when I thought it couldn't get better, you came up with Gran Torino, starring yourself. I have never loved a gruff old bitter war veteran more than I have loved you in that role, dear sir. And yes, you are still the embodiment of machoism regardless of your advanced years. I wouldn't like to meet you in a dark alley, good sir. You might blow my head off and then sleep like a baby.

And then you show off towards the end of the movie, playing this beautiful song which you composed, your old voice trailing off, and I would be really sad if it were the last time I heard you singing. How dare you play with my emotions like that.

All I'm trying to say is, Mr. Eastwood, you are one amazing son-of-a-bitch, and you're a prick for making us young gooks look like pansies in comparison. Please keep doing what it is that you're doing, and let us savour the best of you while we still have the pleasure of your company.

Your supportive, totally unjealous fan,

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