Love Truths No. 2: The List

Whether conscious or not, we reject or accept potential lovers based on a list that we've fashioned in our head growing up. And many things play a role in our list - the things we were told by our parents or our friends growing up, what we see in the movies, which phase of life we're in, what we've personally decided is important.

To be honest, I am not even sure if everyone keeps a list, but surely there must be something, no matter how unwritten or unvoiced, that attracts us to this particular other person.

The List
We roll out our list, and some of us are more specific than others:

1) She must be at least my height, has a mole on her right upper lip, dances like a goddess and answers to the name Cameron Diaz.

or

2) He must be a high profile lawyer who is charming (only to me and me alone), and spends time with the kids by using them as weights while he works out his fully muscular body. And he must respond to the name of Fabio.

In all seriousness - we all lay down a list, be it race, religion, height, musical ability, affinity to our parents, affinity to children, affinity to pets, singing ability, kindness, ambition, gentleness, drive, etc.
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Out of boredom, we once played this game whilst travelling to a place. We would list out two desirable qualities in a partner and then ask the person to choose between them. Do you want your partner to be

'beautiful or talented?'

(Er, can't she be beautiful and talented?) (Sorry, you're disqualified. Good bye!)

'plays the piano or cooks well?'

'good with children or fun to be around?'

Of course, this game was purely out of fun and leaving the person having to choose between two values which could very well be present in one individual, but it highlights the question of what was a priority in our own individual list.

A few things about the list:
1) Sometimes we use the list as a way of running away from potential partners. I know some of you can identify with this, but those who can't probably never had a list to begin with.

We use the list as an excuse not to commit -"Oh, she's definitely my height and has a right upper lip mole and dances like a goddess, but doesn't respond to the name Cameron Diaz. I definitely can't see us working out in the long term!"

2) There are many factors contributing to the list, as mentioned above. I believe the underlying needs, rather than the ambiguous term of love, is actually happiness, security, comfort, belonging, fulfilling a purpose.

3) Happily, especially when you mature with time, one day you will come across someone who ticks off absolutely nothing in your list save the few important ones (ie. religion) and suddenly you're in love, and the list is crumpled, thrown away and forgotten.

Because suddenly you find someone whom you're comfortable with, someone you can spend effortless hours talking to, someone with whom the silences are never awkward, someone who you can see yourself arguing with and making up with for the rest of your life.

And suddenly the list seems like a waste of time. Fun, of course, but ultimately a waste of time.

For who can explain what tiny chemicals collide or which part of the brain lights up or which bit of the heart leaps when you find that someone else. I'm certain they're not reading from the script which is your list.