Anatomy Of A Chinese Wedding

"Oi, can you please say something nicer or not leh?"

The voice of the zhi mui (literally: 'fellow sister', actually 'she-devil') rings out across the gates and into the streets. It is the morning of the wedding, and the bridegroom is finding his way to his bride a little more difficult than he had hoped.

The zhi muis are one or more female friends of the bride employed for the sole purpose for making the passage of the bridegroom as arduous as possible before he can reach the ultimate reward that is his blushing bride, normally hidden from view in a bedroom, adorned in her wedding gown.

The groom has his heng tais ('fellow brothers') with him, who will help him defeat the evil zhi muis and end up rescuing his bride.

The groom normally has to perform a series of tasks to satisfy the zhi muis. This can involve something innocuous, like singing a love song loud enough for the bride to hear, or professing his love for her in a romantic way. (Most Asian males will falter at this early stage!)

The tasks may range from the physical (doing fifty push-ups, piggybacking your groomsmen while promising your wife you will carry her throughout life in the same manner) to the downright lewd (your groomsmen have to eat bananas dangling from your waist area! What is that supposed to signify?). Some are more creative, like my piu je's (cousin sister's) wedding a few years ago.

The zhi muis had gotten a napkin, and had ten people (guys included!) to plant lip-sticked kisses onto the napkin. The groom, in order to pass through the door ('koh mun') had to guess which lipstick print belonged to his bride-to-be, and had to pay ten dollars for every wrong guess. Let's just say he was thankful there was only ten lipstick prints to choose from.

The koh mun exercise can sometimes be an extortion effort as well, as the sisters will demand a certain amount of money (as is the Chinese way) of auspicious value ($888 dollars, $99 dollars, $388 dollars and so forth).

Some of the other activities carry some meaning, like I remember, as one of the groomsmen, being served a platter with sweets, raw chilli, lemon slices and bittergourd, each signifying sweetness, spiciness, sourness and bitterness. These signified the emotions of any marriage, and it symbolised that the groom was ready to share life's platter with the bride, through any season(ing).

Finally, when the poor groom has been tortured to the point of leaving his bride (hahaha!), the zhi muis will finally relent, and allow him through, taking his first of many happy steps to the door that opens into the room where his bride sits demurely, waiting for him.

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'Let me in! Let me in! I have waited too long for this moment, battled too hard to see you, and I can't wait for you to finally be my wife! Won't you please let me in, and not frustrate me, when all that matters to me is within reach, just the distance of a shout away; when all that stands between me and my happiness are these horrible friends of yours! Let me in!'