Love Languages

Love Language No. 5: Physical Touch

I thought I would wrap up these series on the love languages by touching (pun badly intended) on the last love language - physical touch.

Physical touch has always been shown to be an essential part of not only our communication of love, but to our whole survival, no less. (That's why Asian kids are a dying breed. Haha!)

There were these less-than-humane tests performed during the World War, where babies were separated into two rooms. Both groups were fed, changed and looked after equally, but one room were given cuddles at regular intervals while there was strictly no touching of the babies in the other room apart from administering the routine care.

The babies that were held and cuddled thrived while the untouched babies basically withered and sadly, died eventually despite being well nutritioned. Such is the importance of the human touch.

Physical touch is not (always) spelt S-E-X (how many Google hits will find this site now!?) or E-A-R-T-W-I-S-T-I-N-G. Something as simple as a hug, a chaste kiss on the cheeks in some cultures, a cuddle, the holding of hands, a pat on the back - all these are ways of saying "I love you" without needing words.

The Anti-Free Hugs Experience

In the Asian cultures, especially the Oriental ones, the hug is a foreign experience among the adults. Children may get it in bucketloads, but two Chinese adults hugging each other must either be a) under the influence of some intoxicating substance (ie. alcohol, love) or b) on a Chinese game show.

I remember a particularly painful fourteen year old experience when I was performing on stage for Teacher's Day. It was a poorly received rendition of Ace of Base's I Saw the Sign and goodness knows how it showed gratitude to our dear teachers, but a few friends did the honour of being our "fans" and coming up on stage with flowers (read: weeds) and giving us hugs.

Now I would have relished hugs from screaming female fans, but one is not afforded that kind of luxury in an all boys school. To add insult to an already injurious performance, the following Monday, our afternoon supervisor teacher decided to highlight our performance as a wonderful segue into the sins of Western society and all this unhealthy all-touching, all-hugging culture. Hahaha!

(I can look back at it and laugh now. There is still some residual pain and embarrassment, but nothing two Panadols and some alcohol won't fix!)

The "Real" Hug

I think that the first person to introduce me to the hug was M, a good friend from my high school days. M went to a church where hugs flowed as easily as "hellos" and through the initial awkwardness and repeated process, I finally incorporated the hug into my love language.

I had a conversation with another friend, JM, who brought up the issue of the "real" hug. She was complaining about the "half-hug" or the half-hearted hug between awkward acquaintances. The distance between the bodies would be obvious, the timing shorter than an eyeblink, each person pulling away as soon as they enter the hug - and she feels that it is worse than no contact at all.

She relishes the real hugs - the tight, warm, lingering hugs that say "I really missed you" or "I'm not ready to let you leave" among friends.

Granted, I understand that touching can be viewed as taboo by some, and hugging is not really second nature to Malaysians, especially among the Chinese community, where the handshake is as much touchies as you will get. Just makes you wonder how if hugging was so unnatural to us, whether or not physical intimacy would be even more awkward!

But as with any other love language, this love language of touch - the hugs, the kisses, keeping your hand on someone's shoulder as you talk to them, the brushing of hands - can be learnt. I am testimony to that, and it has now become an essential part of my love language, especially among my family and close friends.

So come on, give me a hug. A real one.