A Spy Is Bourne

I have been watching the Bourne trilogy series and Matt Damon is one heck of a cool customer.

I have been trying to sort out my PR application here in Malaysia and as I enter the embassy and see all the security cameras and the guards, the inner spy in me tried to surface. I was suddenly walking a bit more gingerly, my shoulders squared, my eyes darting around the place as if I were on an important mission.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that here are the

Top 10 Reasons Why I Can’t Be A Secret Agent

10) Two seconds after entering a building, Jason Bourne knows all the exits from the building, notices that the waiter is left handed, and knows that there are exactly 42 customers at the moment.

Two seconds after I enter a building, I bang my face against the glass door.

9) Jason Bourne is fluent in English, Spanish, French, Russian and German.

I struggle to find the Malay word for ‘banana’.

8) Jason Bourne can sleep with whichever woman he wants to.

I can sleep with whichever woman… who’ll let me. Right now, including all those whom I have offered large amounts of money to, that figure is a respectable, urm, zero.

7) Jason Bourne can run for flat out for seven miles without breaking a sweat.

I get tired trying to work out how many kilometers is seven miles.

6) Jason Bourne can never be caught while driving. Never. He will find the shortest route to a place, drive through crowded streets and somehow manage to cause all those chasing him to crash into large vehicles.

I pick my nose lazily while being stuck in a traffic jam when trying to take a shortcut. Again.

5) Jason Bourne has hundreds of thousands of dollars in different currencies in a Zurich bank account with a 20 digit account number.

I have a porcelain piggy bank. His name is Herbert.

4) In the hands of Jason Bourne, even a humble pen is a dangerous weapon.

In my hands, even a humble pen is the perfect back scratcher for those hard-to-reach spots.

3) Jason Bourne throws tens of thousand of dollars around as he asks favours from various strangers.

I ask a beggar for change from my fifty cent donation.

2) Jason Bourne barely flinches as he kills a person in cold blood.

Pretty rainbows make me cry.

1) Jason Bourne is being traced by the US secret service with satellites and CCTV and top secret personnel all over the world.

The secret service will never find me. That’s because I’m not on Facebook.

Take that, Matt Damon.