Between Stinginess and Sacrifice

A friend used to love telling this story of his schoolmate, who was the ultimate Scrooge - this particular friend was from a rich family, and yet lived like a pauper. He would go out to the movies with you and ask if you could pay for his ticket first, showing you his empty wallet (See? I never bluff you!) as proof, although you could be sure you would never see your money again.

My favourite story of his stinginess was the time when the both of them went out for lunch at a local kopitiam.

My friend had ordered his favourite chicken rice and taken a seat at the table when he saw his Scrooge friend (let's call him KS for now) arguing with the chicken rice stall owner. The owner was shaking his head and throwing his hands up in disbelief, and KS walked to join my friend at the round plastic table.

"Eh, why the uncle angry at you lah?" asked my curious friend.

"I don't want to tell you, afterwards you call me stingy," said KS defensively.

"Eh, no lah," he coaxed. "Tell me lah, I won't call you stingy. I promise."

After much reluctance and gentle insistence KS finally relented and said "I asked the uncle if I have the parts of the chicken that nobody wants - the neck ah, the butt ah - to go with my rice, can cheaper ah?!"

To which my friend burst out laughing and exclaimed, "Wah, KS, stingy lah you!"

"Oi, you promised!"

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Hands up if the above picture is familiar to your household.  I know some family who have arguments over this. They feel it is wasteful if you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle - one should always start from the bottom, and milk whatever is in the bottom to the top, folding the bottom upwards once all possible available toothpaste has been massaged out from that section. Otherwise, you're being irresponsible, both financially, and towards the Earth.

It makes sense, I guess. Now if only you wouldn't be so smug and self-righteous about it, Captain Planet.

My new favourite trick is the one that Karen learnt from her Mum. All the ladies (and some well-groomed men *erhem* Not me. *cough* Really. *awkward whistle*) know how expensive facial cleansing products can be. But did you know that once you have squeezed the tube to within an inch of its life (you know, when it gives out the last blob of facial cleansing goodness and then lets out a dying gasp, deflating the tube?), and you thought that it had been a good and faithful servant and had nothing left to give?

Well, apparently, you can flog a dead horse.

If you cut that tube in half, you will find at least another week's worth of product within the tube which you can scoop out with your fingers, and then feel the double thrill of not only having a clean refreshed face but also the satisfaction of having gotten your money's worth out of this overpriced tube. Take that, beauty product company!

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There is a fine line between stinginess and sensibility.

Growing up, I know that my world view with regards to money was one modeled after my parents - be stingy with yourself, and be generous to others (in this case, us children).

Mum and Dad would hardly see the value in buying new clothes for themselves, that new car would have to wait, they'd never been on a holiday in years.

Having come from fairly humble beginnings, they brought into their new middle-class existence what I will call the 'scarcity mentality', not so much with negative connotations, but with survivalist instincts.

We were never spoiled as children, but we were never wanting. Two things were valuable and you could throw money at - food (I was the poster boy for childhood obesity) and education (school and books, some of which I ate).

Everything else - clothes, accessories, new furniture, toys, movies, fast food restaurant trips - were rare luxuries.

Our parents always had one eye on our future.

All three of us have reaped the benefits of their foresight and future planning. I would like to believe that we would do the same for our own children one day as well.

Here's the question though - at what point are we being sensible, or just being miserly?'

I mean, I carry the traits of my upbringing with me - money splashed on food would be done without raising an eyebrow, and yet, before I met Karen, I was driving a beat-up but serviceable 15 year old Honda Civic, wearing my shoes until they literally fell apart, and my work shirts were so old a friend at work had to tell me to go buy a new one.

Everyone and their grandmother had smartphones while I was still tinkering with my monochromatic Nokia 8510. Somehow I tended to wear this self-sacrifice as a badge of honour, often unnecessarily, and I see it in some of my friends too.

You could have all the money in the world, and still live like a pauper, if you know what I mean.

Karen has shown me that we could live well - within our means, of course - and I think my life has been richer because of that. We have strived to make our home a welcome refuge for friends and family, we have taken mind-broadening vacations together, we invest in things that enrich our lives and fill us.

I think my new paradigm is this - 'Love your neighbour as you love yourself'. I believe that this commandment is two-fold - Love your neighbours - be kind to them, be generous, offer forgiveness and love - as you love yourself - be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and be generous to yourself too.

I believe that we only give cheerfully out of fullness. It doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be rich, but it does mean that we give out of a place of happiness and contentment. No one should have to give out of a place of emptiness and reluctance, of obligation.  That really has to start by us being generous with ourselves.

So, taking my own advice, we are now living in a mansion with attached helipad, bathe in champagne-filled bathtubs, and have two yachts to ship friends to our private island.

Hahaha, just kidding! Only one of the yachts is functioning, the other one is in the dockyard having repairs at the moment.

No, the flipside of being too generous to yourself is of course, selfishness and extravagance. Being self-centered without the capacity for consideration for people around you just makes you an asshole. Vulgar, but accurate.

I think Ashton Kutcher said it best in his recent Teen Choice Award's acceptance speech - "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you."

So yeah, be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous - both to yourself and others - and give from a healthy place.