Between Stinginess and Sacrifice

A friend used to love telling this story of his schoolmate, who was the ultimate Scrooge - this particular friend was from a rich family, and yet lived like a pauper. He would go out to the movies with you and ask if you could pay for his ticket first, showing you his empty wallet (See? I never bluff you!) as proof, although you could be sure you would never see your money again.

My favourite story of his stinginess was the time when the both of them went out for lunch at a local kopitiam.

My friend had ordered his favourite chicken rice and taken a seat at the table when he saw his Scrooge friend (let's call him KS for now) arguing with the chicken rice stall owner. The owner was shaking his head and throwing his hands up in disbelief, and KS walked to join my friend at the round plastic table.

"Eh, why the uncle angry at you lah?" asked my curious friend.

"I don't want to tell you, afterwards you call me stingy," said KS defensively.

"Eh, no lah," he coaxed. "Tell me lah, I won't call you stingy. I promise."

After much reluctance and gentle insistence KS finally relented and said "I asked the uncle if I have the parts of the chicken that nobody wants - the neck ah, the butt ah - to go with my rice, can cheaper ah?!"

To which my friend burst out laughing and exclaimed, "Wah, KS, stingy lah you!"

"Oi, you promised!"

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Hands up if the above picture is familiar to your household.  I know some family who have arguments over this. They feel it is wasteful if you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle - one should always start from the bottom, and milk whatever is in the bottom to the top, folding the bottom upwards once all possible available toothpaste has been massaged out from that section. Otherwise, you're being irresponsible, both financially, and towards the Earth.

It makes sense, I guess. Now if only you wouldn't be so smug and self-righteous about it, Captain Planet.

My new favourite trick is the one that Karen learnt from her Mum. All the ladies (and some well-groomed men *erhem* Not me. *cough* Really. *awkward whistle*) know how expensive facial cleansing products can be. But did you know that once you have squeezed the tube to within an inch of its life (you know, when it gives out the last blob of facial cleansing goodness and then lets out a dying gasp, deflating the tube?), and you thought that it had been a good and faithful servant and had nothing left to give?

Well, apparently, you can flog a dead horse.

If you cut that tube in half, you will find at least another week's worth of product within the tube which you can scoop out with your fingers, and then feel the double thrill of not only having a clean refreshed face but also the satisfaction of having gotten your money's worth out of this overpriced tube. Take that, beauty product company!

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There is a fine line between stinginess and sensibility.

Growing up, I know that my world view with regards to money was one modeled after my parents - be stingy with yourself, and be generous to others (in this case, us children).

Mum and Dad would hardly see the value in buying new clothes for themselves, that new car would have to wait, they'd never been on a holiday in years.

Having come from fairly humble beginnings, they brought into their new middle-class existence what I will call the 'scarcity mentality', not so much with negative connotations, but with survivalist instincts.

We were never spoiled as children, but we were never wanting. Two things were valuable and you could throw money at - food (I was the poster boy for childhood obesity) and education (school and books, some of which I ate).

Everything else - clothes, accessories, new furniture, toys, movies, fast food restaurant trips - were rare luxuries.

Our parents always had one eye on our future.

All three of us have reaped the benefits of their foresight and future planning. I would like to believe that we would do the same for our own children one day as well.

Here's the question though - at what point are we being sensible, or just being miserly?'

I mean, I carry the traits of my upbringing with me - money splashed on food would be done without raising an eyebrow, and yet, before I met Karen, I was driving a beat-up but serviceable 15 year old Honda Civic, wearing my shoes until they literally fell apart, and my work shirts were so old a friend at work had to tell me to go buy a new one.

Everyone and their grandmother had smartphones while I was still tinkering with my monochromatic Nokia 8510. Somehow I tended to wear this self-sacrifice as a badge of honour, often unnecessarily, and I see it in some of my friends too.

You could have all the money in the world, and still live like a pauper, if you know what I mean.

Karen has shown me that we could live well - within our means, of course - and I think my life has been richer because of that. We have strived to make our home a welcome refuge for friends and family, we have taken mind-broadening vacations together, we invest in things that enrich our lives and fill us.

I think my new paradigm is this - 'Love your neighbour as you love yourself'. I believe that this commandment is two-fold - Love your neighbours - be kind to them, be generous, offer forgiveness and love - as you love yourself - be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and be generous to yourself too.

I believe that we only give cheerfully out of fullness. It doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be rich, but it does mean that we give out of a place of happiness and contentment. No one should have to give out of a place of emptiness and reluctance, of obligation.  That really has to start by us being generous with ourselves.

So, taking my own advice, we are now living in a mansion with attached helipad, bathe in champagne-filled bathtubs, and have two yachts to ship friends to our private island.

Hahaha, just kidding! Only one of the yachts is functioning, the other one is in the dockyard having repairs at the moment.

No, the flipside of being too generous to yourself is of course, selfishness and extravagance. Being self-centered without the capacity for consideration for people around you just makes you an asshole. Vulgar, but accurate.

I think Ashton Kutcher said it best in his recent Teen Choice Award's acceptance speech - "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you."

So yeah, be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous - both to yourself and others - and give from a healthy place.

So, How Many Kids Do You Want?

Oh, the interrogation never ends!

First, when you're single, it's - 'Eh, when you gonna get a girlfriend lah?'

And then when you're finally with someone - 'Eh, so when you going to get married lah?' (aka 'When your turn ah?' at all the weddings you've ever attended)

And then when you're married, it's - 'Eh, so when are you going to have children lah? First one coming yet or not?'

And then when the first one arrives - 'Eh, when the second one coming lah? The first one needs someone to play with, you know!'

And then when you've had your seventh one - 'Eh, horny bugger, you need a vasectomy is it? I know someone!'

Aarrrgh!

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One of the wonderful conversations you get embroiled in as a couple is the question 'So, how many kids do you want?'

Even as primary schoolchildren, there was this meme spreading around school which made complete sense to our seven-year-old minds - if you clenched both your fists, and counted the bits of flesh sticking out of the side of your palm, the ones on your right hand would represent the number of sons you'd have while the ones on your left hand would represent the number of daughters.

In my case, a girl, and one and a half boys

It is as if you could control that aspect of things - as if, if you'd only wish hard enough and put a number down, that's exactly what you're going to get.

The reality is so much more different than that - falling pregnant in this day and age isn't as easy as the movies portray it to be (ie. first sexual encounter = pregnant), and we all know what happens on the other side of the spectrum (ie. he was our happy unexpected little 'accident').

People want a certain number of kids for a variety of reasons - some want two or three because they were the only child in their family, and always thought how nice it would be to have a brother or a sister.

Some people want only one or two for practical financial reasons - kids cost money. Some want three, because that will fit into the back seat of a sedan nicely. Other couples want, and I quote - 'as many as she can produce' - *cue look of horror on poor wifey's face* because they came from large loving families themselves and wanted the same experience for their yet-to-be-born children.

I had a good think today about this question today, and my view is this - the number of children I have will be a reflection of my faith in humanity, my faith in the future of this world and my faith that we are leaving them a worthwhile inheritance and not a mess to clean up.

Currently, that number stands at twelve. *cue look of horror on Karen's face* .
                                                 let's get a pet goldfish instead.
                                                 two.

A Decade Without My Dad

Yesterday marked the ten year anniversary when we said goodbye to my Pa.

We laid him to rest a decade to the day yesterday, and my biggest fear is that I will forget. A fear that I will forget what growing up with him being in a wheelchair for 15 years meant to us, a fear that I will forget how much he loved us, a fear that I will even forget what he looked like.

That is why I write. I write to remember, to allow my words to bring forwards the outlines of his face again, to remember what it meant to be raised by this remarkable man, in his fullness and frailty, remembering him both with fondness, and with tears. These are some notes I wrote a few years ago, and I share them with you today.

'Oh Dear.'

The brain is an amazing organ. It controls our emotions, thoughts, sensations and actions. It reminds us of things, helps us learn, smile, laugh and cry. Strangely enough, the brain has no pain receptors, which means that you could actually stick pins and needles into the brain itself and you will not perceive pain. This is how open brain surgery can be performed while the patient is still alert and awake on the table.

It is, however, sitting in a very confined space - it floats in cerebrospinal fluid and the skull enveloping it is rigid, which makes it a great protector, but unrelenting in its permission of space.

The skull, being obdurate, will cause whatever build-up of fluid to be transmitted to the brain, and it has very little choice but to be squashed, and to be pushed out through the only exit there is - the little hole at the bottom of the skull where the spinal cord exits.

My Dad's brain must have been herniating through that single orifice that August evening when he was in bed doing his routine push-up exercises when he collapsed onto the bed and into a coma.

My brother, who was watching TV in the adjoining living room at the time had rushed to his side, hearing Pa crash into the bed. According to him, the last two words that Pa said before collapsing into the coma from which he would never wake was -

'Oh dear.'

I wonder if Pa's life flashed before him in those last moments. All his childhood memories, his ambitions, dreams, hopes and fears coursing through his minds in those last few seconds before oblivion. His triumphs, his tragedies, his laughter, his tears, all of life's experiences encapsulated into two words - the two words that describes the deer-in-headlights feeling of how life throws you a curveball just when you think that you've got it all figured out.

'Oh, dear.'

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I See You

The double doors of the ICU opened before us, and the hum and beeps of machines working to salvage the dying greeted us. We turned left, and seeing my Dad for the first time since the collapse took me aback, and I had to choke back my tears.

It is a surreal experience seeing your loved ones with multiple tubes and wires sticking out of them, immobilised to the hospital bed. There are machines that help with the breathing, others that monitor the heart rate and blood pressure and oxygen saturations. The intravenous lines hydrate them and give them life-saving medications while other tubes drain their bladders.

All things seek to reassure you that the patient - be it your father, your mother, your brother, your wife, your friend, your son, your daughter - is still alive. All the mystery of life reduced to the mathematics of numbers.

We stood silently by his side.

The first thing that I noticed were the headphones attached to his ears. There was nothing in my medical training which identified the headphones to fit in with the rest of the picture, so my eyes traced them all the way to an MP3 player.

"We're playing some of his favourite songs," my brother read my mind. "They say that it could be helpful as they can sometimes still hear things when they are comatose." I afforded a weak smile, and prayed that he was right.

The next thing I noticed was Pa's half shaven head, where the neurosurgeon had to drill a hole in his head for the emergency decompression. The scars were still fresh, and the hair on the other side of his head was unkempt, giving Pa a semi-Frankensteinian appearance.

We stayed with him that night, and read to him from Psalms 23 while we held his unresponsive hands and prayed.

That was when his eyelids started to flicker.

At first we thought we were imagining things, but they were definitely flickering. Mum's face lit up with excitement as she called for the nurses to come and take a look at this. They walked up to Pa absently and then ambled away dismissively.

We were filled with joy, on the other hand, and began excitedly to talk to Pa again. His eyelids seemed to flicker appropriately in response, and I know that he heard us when we told him how much we loved him and thanked him for the love that he had shown to us throughout the years.

I told him about how I was getting on in medical school in Australia, and we talked about many different things that night, although Pa could only engage in the conversation through the voice of his eyelids.

Before we left that night, I had a moment alone with Pa. I leaned over to kiss him, and thanked him again for his love and sacrifice for us throughout the years. It was then when my common sense kicked in, and I knew that even if Pa did recover from this massive cerebral incident,  he would probably be in a vegetative state all his life.

So I leaned forward and whispered into his ear that he was free to leave us as he had fully accomplished his role as our father and Mum's husband. I said goodbye to my father then, and invited him to the light, promising that we would meet him there again someday.

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My Father's Chair

It was soon time to leave, and I was packing to go back to Melbourne. We were all spent physically and emotionally, and there was no room to enjoy Malaysia like I normally would.

I stood with my suitcase in the living room and started tossing my clothes into the vacuous Hush Puppies luggage. Out of the corner of my eye I caught the curtain that separated the little enclave where Pa had slept every night.

The purple plastic rack that held all his clothes was still brimming with shirts my father wore not three weeks ago. Work pants that were several sizes too big and hung loosely around his ample belly sat quietly on the top shelf of the makeshift rack. Next to them were the large woolly socks that used to keep his lifeless feet warm at night, which upon reflection, he must have put on out of habit more than necessity. I'm sure that his feet would have rejoiced at the touch of cold, if only to remember what cold felt like.

Through an opening sat the now empty wheelchair, motionless; the wheeled prison now without its captive, who had finally broken free. The wheelchair was symbolic of Pa, our very reminder that he was there with us.

No longer.

I walked up to the wheelchair, and gently lowered myself into it. I felt the armrests that had been duct-taped countless times, tracing the spokes of the wheels and the cold steel rims, and feeling the rubber wheel on my hands as I pushed it forwards. The wheelchair squeaked against the marble floor with purpose, and my heart broke at the familiar sound.

I did a single lap of honour around the living room in memory of Pa, and finally closed my eyes and rested in the spirit of my father one last time.

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If I could tell Pa one thing today, is that we are all doing okay. Our worlds have been very different without him in it - we still miss his humour, his wisdom and his quiet strength.

I hope he can still look upon us today - his sons still feeling their way through this world and trying their hardest to be good honest men; his daughter, the apple of his eye, standing bravely up to whatever the world throws at her; his wife, my Mum, showing immense strength and grace as she continues to valiantly live a life without him - and be proud.

May you rest in peace, Pa, knowing that your time on earth was a meaningful one. We live on as your legacy, and carry with us the understanding of what it really means to live life to the full no matter what it may bring. 

Exas-parent-ion.

Picture from brandoneu.blogspot.com

I remember sitting down to dinner one night in Malaysia next to this Chinese family. There were two kids there - a self-assured fifteen-year-old boy, his nine-or-ten-year-old sister, their parents and their Auntie.

I was trying to mind my own business and focus on my kangkung belacan but I couldn't help overhearing the feisty conversation going on at the next table.

"Eh, got any girl you like in class ah?" the (I'm certain she's unmarried) Auntie probed.

"No lah, I'm still fifteen only, Auntie. No girl yet," proclaimed the boy.

"What about this girl V-?" asked the Auntie.

"Aiyah, I don't like her. She's not my type - stuck up."

"Her family very rich one, you know," the Auntie started, after a considered silence. "Her father, ah -"

This seemed to incense the boy.

"I don't care if she's rich or not. If I don't like her, I don't like her lah."

"No, listen, you have to think about these things early," she persisted. "Her father's got a good business, big house, nice car - you should give her a chance. Go after her."

"I'm too young to be thinking about these things," his voice started to raise. "And anyway, if I chase a girl, it should be because I love her, not because she is rich."

"Aiyah, young man, what do you know? What is love - love won't put food on the table one, you know?" she sneers in disgust. "Love, hmph."

 "You want so much, you go and marry her lah!" he says in exasperation, shocking her into a sullen silence.

At this point, I wanted to stand up and give this fifteen year old a standing ovation, pat him on his back and high-five him in front of his Auntie's face.

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Let's face it - your parents will always be your parents. The road of parenting is strewn with good, and sometimes, mistaken intentions. In their eyes, you will always be their child, and they will always know, and want, what's best for their children.

One extreme of this is arranged marriages - in Sri Lanka, a friend tells me that 30% of marriages are still arranged marriages - people are matched according to careers, highest education qualifications, caste, family background with looks and interests coming a paltry second place.

He barely met his wife before the dowry was paid (a higher one because he was a doctor) and before he knew it, he was married to this almost complete stranger. Two people who have never met before, now needed to chart out a new road ahead together based on what the parents thought was best for them.

The first year of marriage was spent just finding out about his wife - understanding and accommodating her quirks and habits, her likes and dislikes, what she values. He has found it a little bemusing (in his traditional mindset) to discover that this modern, independent girl was not going to be told by her husband what to do, and he has had to do a lot of the compromising.  

Don't get me wrong, a lot of these marriages seem to work out, or at least they are still together after many years. Obligation, perhaps, or maybe there was some wisdom in the parent's choices, after all who knows us better than they do?

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What Do You Want From Me?!

When we were fourteen or fifteen and foraying into this new hormone-hazed area of relationships - suddenly we find ourselves attracted to guys or girls, spending numerous hours sprawled out over phone conversations, believing in every love song we've ever sung, conjuring up our Prince Charmings and Princess Jasmines. (I blame Walt Disney solely for my delusions of perfect romantic relationships).

We try and tell our parents excitedly about this new guy or girl we have a crush on, and expect a similar excitement from them - to share in this newfound secret joy in our lives, our new reasons to be living. Instead, we are greeted with dead-eyed "Fat haw ah? Took shi!" (What's all this love nonsense? Go back to your books!)

And so we deaden our hearts, study hard and make it to university - and then suddenly our parents do a 180 degree turn and ask "Eh, why you so long still got no girlfriend yet?" which, with year after year of persistent singleness, leads to the inevitable worried question - "Eh, you gay is it?"

No, Mum and Dad, I have been scarred by your pragmatic suggestions that I should not entertain any romantic notions in my head growing up, and now, finally, I am rewarded by you questioning my sexuality.

What do you want from me?!!!

*********************************

In all fairness, we were dependent on our parents for a lot of our choices growing up - we had no say of which milk formula we drank, what brand of diapers we wore, which kindergarten and school we went to, which tuition classes and extracurricular activity we were signed up for - all these things were decided in our best interests.

It is during our formative years, however - our teenage and young adult years - when we come to develop and test opinions of our own, that we take exception to them trying to interfere in a very personal part of our lives - our love lives. Often it is a clash of their mature pragmatism and our youthful romanticism that grates us the most.

They have seen that love is not enough reason to be married, that financial stresses can sometimes overwhelm even the most dewy-eyed romantics, that family background shapes a person, and a university education means a certain level of discipline, diligence and intelligence.

We see it, on the other hand that a person should not be judged by any other measure than who they are, what their hearts are like and whether or not we like them. We know that money can buy a sense of entitlement and arrogance in some people, and that a university qualification alone does not make you wise or interesting.

Take an even deeper issue, like age, race, religion and sexuality and throw it into the mix, and add even more to the confusion. These are often very emotional subjects, with threats of being disowned by our parents if we ever dared to bring home a so-and-so or a such-and such.

And so we get confused by the messages:-

Marry a white guy. Your kids will come out looking so cute, you know!

Don't you dare bring home anyone other than a Chinese guy.

Don't marry a Hakka girl. They are very loud and will hen-peck you.

Don't be unequally yoked. 

I can't date an older guy. I can't stand the thought that he might die before me. 

Younger men are so terribly immature.

If you marry a Muslim guy, I will lose you forever. I won't be able to eat pork, and I love it too much.

I'm okay with people being in same-sex relationships. Except for my own children. There are no gays, and there will never be gays, in our family. 

Like it or not, we do seek our family's approval when it comes to choosing a partner, and we often carry these messages around with us, either consciously or subconsciously.

Fortunately, at the end of the day, when we finally make our decisions about our life partners (after some disastrous early relationships, which are normal), we will find that there are the things that really matter, and things that don't, to us.

Do we feel cared for, respected, loved, protected, understood? Do we share the same values and beliefs, or if we don't, are our lives enriched by the differences? Are they someone we can talk to, share our problems and multiply our joy with? Can we put up with their habits and weaknesses? Do we believe and love the person enough to have the grace and strength to give and take?

And then the other things - the opinions of people, including our well-meaning parents, will start to quieten into the background as we gain more and more clarity about who we love, and what we want from our partners.